At our monthly Elders Lunch (held on zoom the second Friday each month from 12 noon to 1 p.m.), Rev. Sharon shares a reading from the book In Later Years: Finding Meaning and Spirit in Aging by Bruce T. Marshall, a Unitarian Universalist minister. The following are excerpts shared at our September Elders Lunch. The theme of this chapter is “Letting Go.”

We sort through the elements of our lives, determining which to keep and which we can let go of. There are objects we have accumulated and homes we have lived in and achievements we have attained and a reputation we have built. There are also memories: recollections of times, places, events, people. Some of these are pleasant to revisit and recall. Others are not. We remember difficult times, and we encounter regrets. No one gets through life without experiencing pain; no one gets through life without causing pain. Doing things that we later regret is a normal part of the human experience, and sometimes, as we survey our lives, those occasions return with surprising force.

Doris F commented that at this stage in her life, she remembers the regrets most intensely: the times when she failed to live up to her standards of who she sought to be. She wonders why the emotional intensity of those occasions lives on, some 50 years after the events in question. Tut the times she was good (she assured me that there were many more of these) have largely faded from her memory.

In looking back, we remember actions we regret. Sometimes it’s not too late to rectify them—to offer an apology, try to make things right. But usually that opportunity is long gone.

pp. 186-187

As we age, we have the opportunity to relax into an acceptance of who we are, flaws and mistakes and instances of poor judgment included. And as we face our own mortality, we receive a powerful lesson about our limitations. A Jewish woman observed, “What I have learned from my Catholic friends is to accept the fact that I’m not in control. That’s such a simple thing to say. It’s so corny! Everyone says, ‘I’m not in control; I have no control.’ Well, you don’t really believe it until there’s a time when: Yeah!”

This need for acceptance is underscored by the physical limitations we encounter as we age. We can’t do what we were once able to do. Maybe it’s running several miles a day—but then the knees announce that they are no longer up to the task. Maybe it’s trying to get by on four or five hours of sleep a night—more feasible when we are young. Maybe it’s shoveling snow or taking long road trips or moving furniture or eating a heavy meal at 9:00 p.m. and expecting to sleep that night. At various points in our lives, we are confronted by limitations. What we were once able to easily do is no longer possible or, at least, not wise.

Those who age [positively] learn to make adjustments that enable them to continue participating in life, even if not as actively as in their younger years. “It’s OK to be where I am,” Miki R observed. “That may be one of the gifts of being as old as I am. Yes, I get tired: yes, I get annoyed; yes, things can be difficult: yes, I’ve got scrambled eggs in my head. It’s OK.”

And Susan H told me, “My biggest discovery about aging and how to handle it is to be generous to yourself, emotionally. Just give yourself a break. Don’t fight the fact that you’re older. It’s OK to be older. It’s just fine.”

pp. 189-190

Reflection questions / Writing prompts:

• What have you had to let go of as you have aged? How has that affected you?
• How do you honor the grief that can come from having unwanted losses impact you?
• In remembering the experiences of earlier years, do you sometimes return to regrets? What do you do with the regrets that turn up?